I hate it but I'll take it.

If this is the kind of stuff you have to endure for love..... Gah. That's all I can say. I'll do it, but man. I know I won't have to suffer through this the rest of my relationship in life, whether it be with her or not. But what matters right now is that I have to deal with it at the moment. Its time like this that a person can get pretty selfish - " I don't deserve this" "I don't have to deal with this, there are other girls who don't have this problem" " this is just silly". Even though this may sound totally unbased from reality, and it is to a degree in situations, but none of that matters here. Love conquers all... All. Now with everything there are places power doesn't reach, but I don't see it reaching here. This is just another something that someone struggles with. Am I going to run from something that I promised I would stand next to even in suffering.. And even when it hurts me specifically? The object of my love is being drawn in as many directions as there are guys. I suppose it's all compounded by the kid fantasy in me where I saw the girl who loved me loved... me. Just me. With no distractions. Especially not struggling with THAT. But reality sets in when you're in the midst of the ride and you see that's probably never going to happen. I'm not complaining. If anything, I'm slapping my own wrist. Like, you say you love yet you make the situation about your self? I mean, yeah you deserve somewhat, but kenneth- love is selfless. You help her with this. Even.. If its not for you. Remember. Love is giving at all without expecting what you give in return. Or something like that. I have everything most people never will, I have so much. This is just something to learn from.
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Hindsight is too far away

So many fears. Like, why is this so scary? I knew tough times would come. But nothing can prepare you for it until you're out of it. But honestly, there's only what has been said and the rest is just shadow movements of big scary monsters in my head. I'm just sitting in the back seat watch the Georgia pass me by and all these monsters are talking to me in my head. "Who is going to be your replacement? How often will she say the things once said about you to him? Which one will finally be better than you? He's coming, you know." As much as I want this weekend to be the same, I think about getting back and all the ties that have to be severed. My life will fall from happy status to nightmares. But is it needed? I mean, is it just a feeling? Something that every relationship has to deal with? I know I deal with it from time to time. But its not big enough to change my love. Maybe I loved more than she ever would. At least she knows I love her. I'd bleed out just to make sure she. made it safe from her dangers. But to quote my journal (kind of) - "true love is loving without expecting anything in return". So here it is. My love, what I thought could bring us together, is only another factor in this chapter. Not the glue to hold it together. But I need another love to glue mine to. I'll do anything for you jamie. I'll go anywhere. I know I'm a certain way, and this summer has made it harder to be the way I want to be- the same way you want me to be. Its not like I'm changing me, just that.. I'm being who I should be. I like being that way. Its just.. Slightly hard. Sorry it may be too late. But LOVE you. I can be your knight. My princess
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Screech marks

Sometimes crap happens.

today was that sometimes.

and no. I'm not holding back.

I understand that you have every right to say things to me, you have 20 years' right to say it right to me. whatever you want, it's your choice. But out of these 20 years, i haven't heard one thing from you that shows you admit you're wrong. You really really think that all of what you have to say is completely true? that it's faultless? i don't think so. but either way.. you're right about most things. i hear what you have to say about it all. I hate that you have to yell it to get it out there, or wait to say it. It would be nice to have it piece by piece, WHEN THE TIME COMES FOR IT TO BE NEEDED. But i can't ask for everything, it's no perfect day in the neighborhood. and I'm sure it's my fault it's not that way. but you taught me the way you were supposed to. sometimes it's hard to know just that is all you know you can do. yeah i DO know there is a lot wrong, but I'm not giving up because it IS wrong, I'm staying here for that reason. you can learn so much from a situation where something is wrong and you stay there to fix it the best you can and learn from what was wrong. in the end, that's the thing that draws you closer

you, are complicated. but beautiful. a lot of things to work on.but it's the same here. I have just as much. only reason i have this much stuff to work on is because you showed it. in both of us. the one thing that i think can help> humility in you. but for me, i need to be less stupid. I'm sure if you ask anyone that KNOWS me can say that I am stupid sometimes. i don't know why i am. I always have been on the single side of life. I do things on my own, parks, movies, walks, trips. that's just how I've been because I was always too shy and nerdy to find anyone to do it with me. now that i have plenty of people to do it with, i guess you could call it too late. I'm that way, I've grown into it. it's what I revert to, not as a defense, but as a comfort. after I talk when I know i need to talk. after I fix the problem i caused. maybe it's a bad thing I do that, but I like my nature time. nature is my getaway. that's basically all I need. trees, mountains, animals, danger, adventure, speed, risk. it's the stuff men were made for.

you, i must say are... something else. I get mad(frustrated, angry, etc.) at people PRETTY rarely, so it may not be much to say this, but i don't see myself mad at you every really. but I did get a little unhappy with what happened today. I mean, i really wish you would have waited just 13 minutes for me. The one person I could talk to about this without some sort of lashing out has to walk out on me when I'm right in the middle of it all. I didn't think 13 minutes would have indicated I'm neglecting you, i was trying. But those 13 minutes turned out to be me treating you bad and showing that I'm on my phone constantly? sorry, i it happened again, i'd still take the call. In a nice way, i want you to know I would have waited. hours if I needed to. but maybe that's just me, i don't think that's normal for people cause I don't see it anywhere.

2 people i know will be there for me

God- forever and ever

Dakoda- as long as God gives him. even though he is a grouch.

Just another day in paradise

It's just one more day I have finished today. A day that's well worth the mention, in my eyes. Though, nothing was worth mention until the latter half. the first half? nothing but NOTHING. so I'm going to go on the 2 hours that made my day what it was. and for the one that will read this, you can skip it. it's all stuff you know anyways.

Raining, (which I love with the exclusion of the mirror roads at night) and driving fast cause i can, took me to the wal-mart by my house. one I know much from growing up there and finding my way to the department that always understood me, the electronics (hey, video games know how to... push my buttons). But anyway, I get there and the first thing- old times. I know I say that a lot, so maybe I'm an emotional/sentimental weirdo. but what it was- sitting in the car, just talking. That had always put a sunny smile on my outlook, no matter when it was. so as you can imagine, it did the same here. and then, of course, she got me even more by letting me listen to whatever she had to say. and if future kenneth ever reads this, I'm just letting you know, you love that, in case you need to be reminded. so that ensued and shortly a puddle piddle was the second paragraph of our little note, just playing in the water. I got in my buggy and if only there was a motor on it, i could have driven it. I've had much buggy riding experience, i could totally do it. Yes, so after going in and getting a movie with her, we walked back and talked for 5, then decided that was good. :D:D and my next favorite part, the signature. Our hug! So that was my night. A good ending.

The night was something more than the place and person the time was spent on, but more on why I was even there in the first place. 4 years ago, i never would have imagined some simple night like this would have happened. even yet, my everyday life. I continue to look back and see how much I've come from, and that makes me happy. To what most people i know might call, sheltering parents, i give my thanks, but my sorry as well. I'm so happy to have been given what I was, the schooling, and the house rules and the no video games and the come home at a certain time and the 'you just don't ask someone that, it's rude' and all the silly things that all little boys don't like. it's something that you don't know you like, until time leaves and you realize how it helped you. I think there are so many people out there that just think about what they have and all the rest they can see is where that will take them, or what they can have next. I'm so happy to have lived the life I did, I'd do it again. There's THAT side of it.

The NEXT side of it is, I'd never want that part of my life to be replayed, at all. Sometimes I wish I had a different raising, so I could see what it's really like, not being around christians all the time. But I think, then I wouldn't know any different from that either, so it's pointless. I have to have one standpoint, and I'm glad it was the one I was given. I wish I was able to not have to come home every single night of the school week and had more lax parents. who kept my bed time at 11 until I was a senior in high school. I think most of THOSE wants come from the superego in me.

Now, I know if I'm reading this again, I probably confused me. So here, my point resides. All that to mean- what I was given to me, was for a purpose. And that purpose led me here. Whatever it was that made me love the little things, like tonight, i want to keep it. When this eager puppy gets old, I'd like to keep me that way until I'm a cute little old man teaching somewhere at a university, or the nice old man that is you landlord.

It's just sad when i know that my memory can't hold every little time to be had.

I like my life. and whatever bumps i have to go over, i have people to hold. but when everyone leaves, i still don't need them to keep going. I have my Father to always walk next to and hold on to. And that's something to make a person smile.

So, Old Kenneth, one more thing...

Keep if fresh old dude. rock those high waters.

(I wait for the lord, my soul waits, and in His word I hope. My soul waits for the lord, more than those who watch for the morning, more than those who watch for the morning. Psalm 130: 5,6)

That's in case the picture got cut off, that's what the verse says

As a precursor, i just want to say this one isn't really for anyone but me, so I'm talking to myself here. so it's more of an account than something with a point to it.

So here it is. The first post. It wouldn't be the first time I wrote something to this effect. But i like it. it feels good. Knowing that only about 5 people in the lifetime of this blog will ever read it gives me some sort of confidence to say more than I normally would. My own personal journal!(which... is the exact reason for a blog, i know)

So, starting off, I'm going to relay from the beach trip until now. I've had fun, and seen things that I love to see. I was so close to a wild dolphin! I was pulled over by cops while I was on my BIKE -_- (for no good reason i might add). I felt the wind coming from the rising heat of the mucky North Atlantic Ocean. I played with jellyfish, saw of what they were made! Got sore from this thing people love to call P90X. yeah, good for me, bad for walking muscles. I spent 24 hours a day for a week with people that I normally see for around 12 hours at a time. No sweat, we made it. Overall, an experience I'd like to think as something I'll think of when I remember the good old days.

Next week was a week not to forget. I lost a girlfriend to my favorite place in the world for three months this time. I felt like i reconnected to someone who's been dear to me at a distance it seems. I also connected with someone that's been a part of my funny side of life for years now, and I got to live in high school again for a night. I laughed with different people and renewed my lakeside tradition of staying up late and eating stuff that'll take at least 5 years off my life. Met new people, made new friends. This is the kind of week my life moves forward with, milestones.

As soon as I woke up that day that was to be the last for 3 months, I determined I was going to get as much in as I could. It started well with seeing her run to me with such happy eyes and a hug that let me know that love was what bonded us strong (: (: Swimming at the YMCA, so much fun! just so so so much fun. that's all I can think to say about it, it was just fun! And soon after, being as it I was running on about 3 hours of sleep, we found it part of the day to take our first nap. SO nice :D the rest of the day was with her friends, but it wasn't bad. The last house, pretty sweet. We got to just come in and do whatever, rest and talk and laugh. But soon the end was come, and we left. at like, 3 in the morning. then we left from her house to go to the airport, where i had to walk away. I had to turn around and walk away from the happiness I get from every time I see her. My life wasn't over, it just was a sad sad moment.

But when things like that happen, it opens doors up for other things, things that I am very happy for! It was just the very next day I had the chance to visit my friend from years ago. Just a relaxing time with a friend and her goof of a brother, AND another friend from the beginning years. It was good, we laughed the old laughs from years past.

The next day made my week a whole lot brighter, i finally got what I knew would make me happier. my friend. who, even though I know that she's not doing it on purpose, makes me smile in pretty much everything she does. It's just been that way. It's most certainly good to know that me, someone who really doesn't feel the need to lift my emotional burdens much by telling others, has this person to talk to when I know that when something is significant enough to bother me, she helps me with it. even if it is in between long periods of time. i just like knowing this person is there, basically. I shouldn't go on about it anymore, I made my point.

so here i am, facing summer once more. It started out rough, but i think through the downhill parts that i need not be scared. I know that i have these people here, but more than all of them, I have one that couldn't let me down, even if he tried, which he would also never do. My God is my Savior, my gps that tells me when to make a U-turn when possible, my electric fence that jolts me from crossing into the bull's pen, and my favorite pillow to rest my head on and steal away my bad thoughts. It's a main comfort seeing a long list of things about a God who loves me that I know for sure are true. Unconditional love, all knowing, the best comfort ever, the list won't stop. He made it that way. And I consider it my very proud privilege to be able to talk about Him like this. My ultimate best friend.