Get Out of Jail Free Card, anyone?

So many relationships in life.. most of them good. I like to think that since it takes two people to make a relationship that it's half up to me to do what I can to make it the best. I know i make mistakes all the time, but we all do. That's not an excuse, but it happens. So why have i lost 3 relationships in one month? Yeah, the first one i saw coming, and it was needed. It ended well, as part of a corrective plan. The second.. yeah i can see how that was my fault in a sense. But my third... still baffles me. It's not like I can change it, your mind is made, obviously. I just wish we spent more time learning communication. So i can at least figure out better what i should have done. I can only pray and continue my studies and hope for the best now. I become confused when i think about the sudden, unexpected end. One day was all it took, and it was initiated by a fight. How good was this relationship anyways, if all it took was one fight? I know it couldn't have been just that, there was something pent up, something that needed to be figured out. I didn't see it, maybe the other side did. What made me start writing now was that i was cleaning my desk off while i cleaned my room and i came across a letter. There was so much.... positiveness there. My good friend missed me (normal, right?). Now i don't have anything.. not even negativity. I have multiple postcards, letters, and a box full of goodies for my birthday. A line in a letter caught attention, this - " You really are one of my best friends, and i appreciate that." It's crazy how opposite a statement our relationship says now in relation to that statement. I held such a respectable place in your head, and now I'm someone you can't give the attention of a full sentence in a text now. I can only retrieve two options as to how this went down: either you're wrong now, or you were then. That's all i can think as to a definition to what you think of me now. Maybe there's more, i just can't say. I don't have the opportunity to ask anymore. I want to hear you again. I wish i had the time to say goodbye to the years and times we had, but it looks as though you have moved on. You've always had that ability. What a strong person you are. How beautiful you are becoming. Don't get me wrong, it's not the end of my world, not the end of a good day, not even the end of my focus on what i need to be focused on. This makes me stronger. I dedicate that to you now.
For the all the times i wanted to say it but knew it would do nothing- I hope you know what you're doing.
I can trust the fact it will all work out. I don't call you out for doing anything wrong, you're just doing what you know and believe is good. If so, I'm for it. I love you, I'll always be here. I seem to have a higher dedication to rejection ratio than ever before. Good lesson for life, right? I couldn't help but smile at the last thing you said to me in my letter. "I love you kenneth! Call me when you can :)" If only i could have saved this like a

Get Out of Jail Free Card.

It takes a lot

It takes a lot out of a man to tell him that the one thing he spent so much time trying to raise and grow and allow it to get better, failed. It takes more out of him when it's said that it's because he's too weak. The essence of a man, from what God has shown us, is strength and protection, among other things. These near the top of the list and they are what drives him to do the smallest of things for other people and how he interacts. And when entering a relationship with someone of a very close nature, nearing that of marriage, it takes a lot out of a man when what he knows his own strength and ability to protect isn't what he thought at all. One day he's the 12 inch thick steel armor protecting millions of dollars of valuables, and the next he can do no more than paper would do.

I am that man. I spent years trying to work on something that may have well been doomed from the start. Here I was, thinking i was someone that could save my girl from anything. ANYTHING because i was a man. i would fight till my body was spent. but.. now i see i didn't. How could i not see it? She told me, was I that stubborn? It all just feels so hokey. Like i had to protect her from herself. I didn't want to do that, it wouldn't be worth it, right? I would have been the shepherd just stopping the sheep from going to the wolves. The sheep would not have loved me, they wanted the wolves, not knowing who they really were. but once again I'm conflicted... love conquers all. Even though she still would have gone to them, it was still my job to protect her. That's what love is, expecting nothing in return. Expecting even pain sometimes. That's what I'm here to learn. Dear God, help me love more than i ever have before. Love so much that it baffles the world, even your other children. Even her.

It takes a lot to know what real love consists of.
It takes a lot to get there, even through the crushing pain.

The one that just won't seem to get away

So here we are. years from where we started. and it's not gotten far at all, but i know i tried. I can look back to what feelings you gave me, what feelings you had toward me. It was all really cool at the time. I still like thinking about it, knowing it gave me the experience that i ... "needed" for what i have now. I know that's not true, i just like to think it is. I never really needed you for anything to learn about relationships, but then does anyone? We don't need experiences to learn how the last one is going to end, it didn't start that way. But I can say that i'm so thankful for the person i can be, at least in my own head, towards you. This was I can learn love through an experience, just not the love that you think you have had so many times in life already... at 15.You and i had a relationship just like any relationship you have had since then. It had no roots anywhere, so it fell. Which i am pretty happy for (i would never say that to you). My more than willing job now is to be there for you. In as many ways as i can without crossing boundaries, time-wise, or something like that. I can barely tell you i love you because you only want to hear the bf/gf love. I love you like i love people that are close to me. Not my parents, not Jamie, but someone i want so so much to simply be a part of your life. You told me the other night, that you don't know if you could have me a part of your life because you fall so hard and so fast for boys. And that's where we stand now. Before, it was some boy that didn't like me because he was simply a little jerk and felt threatened because i was so important to you before. (i can't believe he actually brainwashed you into thinking what he did. i was the bad guy for every part of your relationship with nash even though i did what you asked. i didn't fight with him. and i stopped talking to you. because you asked. that was hard.) Before him it was because it was just weird after you didn't want me anymore. It's just not easy, this back and forth. But I can honestly say that I've been there the whole time. I've never stopped wanting you. At the beginning i wanted you LIKE THAT. but since then i've just wanted you for who you are. You're chelsea. You're just one of my favorites no matter what you do. You can push me away, forget me, whatever your little will desires. but for love's sake, i can't go away. i can't ever (quote) "LOVE" you like how we started, because that never was my role for you. I'm with the person that i know loves me and that love won't go away because of her feelings, like yours will. One of the definitions for true love is giving everything you can and expecting nothing in return. That's me with you. except i can expect something in return. being forgotten, disliked, unwanted... that's what i feel like. Chelsea i love you. No feelings, no girl, no experience could make me not love you anymore. Sis.